Saturday, April 14, 2018

Concerning the Body and Internal Combustion Engines, Carbohydrates are to Fat as Gasoline is to Diesel

Post #113.

July 25th, 2011 was the date of the first post.

2450 days since first post.

An average of 1 post every 21.68 days.

Like our brains are wont to do, 7/25/11 in some ways feels like yesterday, and in some ways it seems like a different person typed out the words of the first post.

I remember one of the first lectures in medical school from one of the more insightful professors included a thoughtful discussion about the process we were about to undertake -- one that I'm still going through and in essence, will continue to have as long as I practice clinical medicine. Specifically he spoke of the propensity of this process to bring forth and manifest the vulnerabilities that each of us have. Not completely earth shattering in that people under pressure and stress show weakness where their biggest weakness lies -- of course they do! But this sticks with me, and I remember sitting in the lecture hall thinking about what my biggest weaknesses are. For me, there are plenty of aspects to pick from; my curiosity lay in wondering which particular one might show up.

Well, I can safely say that plenty of them did "show up" but one, with the help of age, history and perhaps familial propensity has had lasting ramifications. Weight gain.

I spent the year between graduating with a B.S. in biology and chemistry (don't forget my minor in creative writing!) and starting medical school, working and running. I ran a few half-marathons and worked at the same coffee roaster as I had been during my whole time in Denver, but back in a full-time capacity. Tossing around 160lb green coffee bean bags was no big deal. Running 30 or so miles every week; I was in great shape. I felt great. So hopeful for the future, for the doctor I was to be.

Abruptly going from that to lectures from 8 to 5, 5 days a week with a tragically large increase in cortisol due to stress left me rapidly piling on the pounds.

I've bounced around in various states of "fatness" since that time. Many months have been simply to busy to adequately exercise, and usually those months are stressful enough that adhering to a caloric deficit, or simply eating an overall healthy diet is difficult to maintain.

And here I am, roughly 6 and a half years from the last time I considered myself to be in "good shape." And here I am, approaching the end of intern year. An intern year that has had some of the most stressful days and nights of my life. And here I am, on the downside of the most demanding periods of training, with undoubtedly much left to learn, but also with the steepest learning curve behind me. In other words, as my youth continues to be ever more fleeting, now is the time to make moves -- to redirect the discipline and frankly, stubbornness, that has gotten me to this point in my career to another, more personal objective: weight loss and physical fitness.

I am a large human, relatively, in that my skeleton is taller and broader than most. Throughout my life, in various phases of intensity, I have worked to hang large muscles from my skeleton. The Body Mass Index does people like me a disservice (I could easily get distracted and go on and on about how BMI is severely flawed and that the creator of the equation never meant it to be used as it is today but perhaps another day, another post)  in that even at an appropriate body fat percentage, I will still be solidly "overweight," close to the numbers that equate obesity. Well that's okay -- at least I have that understanding.

So what am I doing to facilitate this change? I am hesitant to get into it -- to explain it, and as a physician I am even more reluctant in that I'm held (starting with me, I hold myself to a higher understanding of physiology) to a higher level of scrutiny when it comes to things like diet and lifestyle changes. This is because of the fervor and obnoxiousness that exists around American fitness, or lack thereof and efforts to counter the obesity and deconditioned nature of the people of this country.

Simply put, I'm facilitating the usage of stored energy (fat) instead of using new energy (food) to live and stay alive.

There are many ways to get to this state of metabolism. After all, our bodies in some ways are simple machines in their overall function and aims -- when excess energy is available it is stored, and the reason for storage, obviously, is to have it available for usage at a later date. Less energy pushed into the system, say, on a daily basis that is not sufficient for daily operations means the body will dip into the energy reserves. A caloric deficit is what this is. It is necessary as dictated by the 2nd law of thermodynamics in order to decrease mass of adipose tissue in each and every one of our bodies. Many people call this "Calories In; Calories Out" (CICO) and state that the argument over how best to lose weight ends here and it is this simple. And while yes, it is simple, it is an incomplete understanding of how best to optimize the usage of the energy reserves tied up in fat cells. Our body uses enzymes (which by definition lower the activation energy needed for a given chemical reaction; think of enzymes are able to get the ball rolling much easier and faster than it would on its own) hormones, and a complex feedback system to balance our energy usage and management of our reserves. Of course, perhaps the most important aspect is how we feel in that feeling hungry, having cravings equates to a conscious realization that our metabolic machinery prefer fast burning, efficient energy by way of eating food -- often in the form of the best bang-for-the-buck-compound our bodies can use -- carbohydrates. Gasoline is a carbohydrate (well, technically a hydrocarbon, as there is no oxygen atoms in the compound, but for this analogy, it works) and the power it unleashes when burned is obvious -- I took the fact that when I accelerated my automobile to get on the freeway this morning for granted; no appreciation at all for the controlled explosions occurring a meter or so in front of me, pushing me and a few thousand pounds of steel, glass and leather to a velocity unheard of for human travel for the overwhelmingly whole of our history. Regardless, a loose but workable analogy can be made here: gasoline is to diesel as carbohydrates are to stored fat. Shaquille O'neal, a man who makes me look petite had a nickname (among others) of "The Big Diesel" in that he was huge and slow, but steady and extremely powerful. Our bodies operate with an exaggerated difference; carbohydrates are fast burning, easy to metabolize and as such our senses are built to favor these compounds -- bread, sugar, pastries -- whatever, we naturally feel pleasure when consuming such things. A gratification that keeps us doing the things that our bodies need us to do.

Throughout our history, access to pure dietary glucose was minimal. Fruits. Honey. Grains. Natural syrups. That is all we had. Our bodies were exceptionally adept to take excess energy, in the way of a big influx of carbs, and store it. Our liver is able to take the sugars (carbohydrates = sugars for our purposes here) and turn it into something called glycogen, which is a stored form, and relatively easily accessible form of sugar. Our liver is a large storehouse of glycogen. Our skeletal muscles hold a lot of glycogen too. If our glycogen "tank" is full, well then, what happens to excess carbs that we eat? Our liver turns it into fat and it goes to the fat cells.

Modern humans overwhelmingly have less and less physical exertion as a component of daily living. I mean, the idea of paying to go to a place that has specialized machines to facilitate energy expenditure is a ludicrous idea for most of our history -- but here we are. 500 years ago, glycogen levels would be highly varied as that human, 500 years ago, depended on it for living. It takes a day or two to exhaust glycogen and if the glycogen was exhausted, that body would pull from the fat stores, as there was no other energy available, provided food was unavailable, or even if that person had a caloric deficit.

This speaks to what I'm trying to explicitly accomplish -- maintain depleted glycogen stores in my body so that the cellular machinery that keeps each and everyone of my 37.2 trillion cells (give or take a few billion) alive and functioning are burning fat, instead of carbohydrates for fuel. Simple, right?

Theoretically simple. Restrict carbohydrate ingestion to a degree where the body must pull from glycogen reserves. The body, at least at first,  dislikes this. Sugar is easy to burn. Energy required to burn it versus energy from burning it is good; it is efficient. We are built for efficiency, if nothing else. But then if carbohydrate ingestion is continued to be restricted, the body must acquiesce and use a much less efficient fuel -- you guessed it, the diesel of our diet and energy stores: fat.

As I said above, I hesitate to evangelize a certain diet above others, provided that there is evidence behind a given way of eating. For me, relying on endogenous "diesel" decreases the ups and downs of blood sugar and subsequently, feeling good and bad, with cravings and hunger a large component of daily life. Much of our "feelings" are driven by our insulin response; and perhaps more importantly, insulin dysregulation, whether it be at the factory (pancreas) or at the affected tissue (insulin resistance) leads to diabetes and other types of dangers associated with an excess of adipose tissue, including inflammation which, as we are learning, is highly correlated with atherosclerosis to a higher degree than simply over ingesting cholesterol or dietary fats.

Lastly, I think it is important as a physician to be very critical of the consensus guidelines that direct our clinical practice. For the past few decades, we leaned on the "fact" of a low fat diet and the evils therein. Study after study showed the correlation of high fat diet and cardiovascular disease, obesity and a myriad of other issues. It is now becoming clearer that at least some of this was pushed by the food industry in that cheap sugars needed to be sold as healthy. Eliminating fats, and having "fat-free" printed on a package was a panacea to the burgeoning obesity epidemic, so thought the American masses, and understandably so. Instead we were and to a lesser degree every year, depriving ourselves of essential fats and cholesterol that our body needs to function. Our body requires these things to function. Interestingly enough, our body does not require any carbohydrates to function. Now listen closely, I am not advocating everyone aim for a zero-carb diet, but just this realization is in direct conflict with the "common sense" of our age. Food for thought.

As a brief sidenote, consensus guidelines in medicine are controversial by the very fact they are consensus meaning that a group of scientists and doctors had a pow-wow and they all compromised to a certain degree to arrive at the decision of what to tell doctors to do in their clinical decision making. This means that the truth is not necessarily guiding the decisions, but the amalgamation of opinions. I didn't spend the last 8 years of school along with the years of clinical experience to simply abandon my own judgement and reasoning; and I, even now, can see evidence that guides me away from consensus guidelines in pursuit of providing truly the best care possible for a given patient. Again, I could go on and on...

I'm not even going to name this particular way of eating. Through my understanding of how the body works I am simply aiming to help my body use the energy reserves. And that is post #113.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na LEADER!

Over the weekend I binge watched Wild Wild Country a documentary on Netflix about the Rashneeshi movement and their effort to build a city in Central Oregon, basically isolated by dozens of miles in either direction. I can't recommend it enough, of course I have a unique element allowing for, perhaps, extra exuberant enthrallment in that I remember this unfolding on the 5 o'clock news, as I grew up in Portland. It was edifying to see the fiasco from both sides; the "free-love, humanistic sannyasins" versus the "ultra-conservative, undereducated white normies" in the nearby town of Antelope, population of 40, at the time. The Rashneeshis were actually Sannysins, followers of Bogwan Shree Rashneesh. They, for most of their time in Oregon, wore all red clothing and were easily identifiable as such.

Cult of personality if there ever was one. Many of his followers spoke about his "presence" and less of his teachings.

This film inspired me to ponder the nature of leadership. Undoubtedly there are untold numbers of humans who have had good ideas, who have had the self-sacrificing nature and altruistic nature that we often say comprises a good leader. I would counter that many of our leaders, from unofficial "leaders" of a small group of friends, to middle-management in any corporate setting, anywhere USA to leaders of industry and those at the highest levels of elected governorship have many discernible attributes, but self-sacrifice and altruism are hardly elements that allows one to climb rank.

Not always is this the case, thankfully. From my perspective, however, I think our culture in the United States has shifted slowly over the decades to espouse and honor results at all costs, and many times, short term gains over long term losses. I could go on and on. I can point my finger at a few specific aspects of our financial system that not only reinforces, but under penalty of law, enforces this dynamic. Of course, if The Citizens United ruling actually made sense, corporations would be interested in their long term viability and not only immediate profits.

I digress.

"Doctor" in latin, translates as "to teach." Not all teachers are leaders, but I argue that most effective leaders, to some degree, are teachers. Perhaps not in an official capacity, but an effective leader needs to educate those in their service to a point where toil is performed with willful duty. You may forgive me for not immediately thinking of a martial structure, where rank and file do as they are told with no questions or concern. This system works when there is punitive action for disobeying orders. It is effective, this is why armed forces and totalitarian regimes adhere to this chain of command. However it is fragile pending loss of punitive measures. It is far better to have willful adherents to your etiology. Whether it be "cubicle troopers" who understand the need for TPS reports (may not like doing them, but they understand their utility and thusly dutifly complete them) or Sannyasins who would willingly die for a man named Bogwan Shree Rashneesh.

I never watched Nurse Jackie when it was airing on Showtime. I remember it was very popular when I was in undergrad. Last night I watched the first episode. Within the first few minutes we learn that doctors are idiots and that (at least Jackie) nurses are the only ones that care for patients well being, much less their medical outcomes. Makes for good TV, if you've never been a doctor, I guess. Not to demean the role nursing has in patient care (I always feel compelled to state that when talking about nurses) but the doctors, at least in the first episode are so careless and cavalier with their medicine, much less their demeanor with patients and other staff that they would not last a week in modern healthcare. At least not in the last century. And why do I bring this up? Because it flies in the face of everything I strive to be as a physician, and overwhelmingly everyone I've ever met in this process -- whether at the end of their career or an aspiring pre-medical student.

So what do I care about leadership? I worry that it stems from a place of ego -- from desiring power. I then remember that just having that worry, the fact that this is a concern of mine is a prognostic factor for a healthy leader. What capacity will this aspiration grow into? I don't know. Simply being a physician thrusts me into the role, like it or not. And there are days where I like it less than others.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018


I've been a basketball fan as long as I can remember. I would stay with the grandparents and we would watch Blazer over-the-air broadcasts. I remember going to my first Blazer game, I think I was in first grade and my neighbor Jason took me with his family. They played the Mavericks. I had a hoop on the garage, with a sloping driveway as a court.

Terry Porter came and gave talk at the elementary school (Lynch Park, now a Montessori School) and I remember watching him shoot hoops with my gym teacher. When Clyde, Terry, Buck and Jerome went to the finals (twice) my school was filled with signs and it was nearly a holiday of sorts as they kept winning through the playoffs. I've played and watched a lot of basketball in my years.

And I hate James Harden and Chris Paul as basketball players so much. They each embody the very things that I dislike about watching professional sports. But most of all, and this is the thing that really gets me -- they've both quit on their teams. Just gave up. Said, "nah -- I'm good. Just gonna take my paycheck and peace out." A lot of people do this with their jobs. I would argue that people who do this at their "normal" jobs deserve the ire I have for these professional, high-profile athletes. I sure do.

Perhaps it is due to hubris; maybe just wishful thinking, but I identify with basketball players who have ascended to the top of their game, who have shown that they have potential to be the best of the best. NBA basketball is a team sport,  yes, but all roles are not equal in responsibility, nor in compensation. Healthcare is a team sport, and of course roles are varied, with disparate compensation. Sometimes I think "wow, nurses work really hard! Why do doctors get paid more than them?" And of course nurses work hard, many days their hour to hour labor output is higher than a physicians. But when mistakes in care are had, or bad outcomes occur, the lawyers look for the doctor's name, not the nurses.

Chris was on the Family Feud though; surprised he didn't flop on the way to the buzzer thingy

A very loose analogy, and I hope this does not betray my sincere respect and (usual) love of nurse, but it kind of fits. Think of James Harden as someone who is obviously talented and to a certain extent, a student of his craft. He has obviously worked hard to get where he is, and this year he will probably win the MVP award.

Last year, in the playoffs, with his team being one of the best during the regular season, in an elimination game I watched him play with a urgent sense of apathy. He gave no shits. He went to the strip club after the game. He gave a big metaphorical middle finger to all those who had worked with him, next to him and for him all season long. He took the money and ran. No respect.

Of course his style of play, where gaining a whistle from the officials is foremost in importancy versus actually scoring, or assisting is an antithesis to all things I hold dear about the spirit of the game, but at least that is understandable. It is all for the aim of winning. Giving up? Miss me with that weak shit, Harden.

And Chris Paul. Used to play for the Clippers for the recent history until this year, teaming up with Harden and leaving LA for Houston. I don't think many tears were shed when he left LA. He is a difficult teammate to have. And while his blatant apathy is not as egregious as Harden's, he has a track record of potential unrealized.

He is criticized for not making it out of the 2nd round of the playoffs. This is not the root of my consternation as there is a lot of confounding issues, namely injuries which have been the primary reason. However -- and this is interesting -- a couple of years ago when the Clippers were playing the Rockets one of the best (in my mind) collapses happened to the Clippers. A franchise full of failure, throughout its history added to the legend of the perennial butt-of-jokes.

And the best part about this is that the Rockets did this without Harden, who was useless, again, in the playoffs. Bench players played with heart against a Clippers team that seemed to have all but mailed in their advancement notice to the league office -- perhaps 12 minutes of play early. Chris Paul looked like he just wanted it to end, and while his betrayal of all things honorable and right in this universe may be less impressive than Harden's, they are now on the same team. A team that has the best record in the league. A team that relies on Harden drawing the most cringe-worthy and bullshit foul calls in order to succeed. You see, it is not just the free throws that matter, it is much more a matter of disqualification of the defending players which alter an opponent's ability to fight appropriately.

Here comes the obvious comparison to doctors who would act in the same manner. Unfortunately, there are too many of us who do act like that. I deal with them, I'm sure you have, at some time dealt with someone like this. I could go on, but I just really want the Blazers to take out this very unlikable Rockets team tonight. 14 in a row.

But really -- how are the current Lakers so much more likable than the Rockets!? Especially now that D'angelo is gone. Huh. Who woulda thunk it.

And finally -- best wishes to Damian Lillard who is expecting a baby boy any day now. And very selfishly, thanks to the baby for not saying hello to the world until after the game tonight.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me. -Grandpa Simpson

If I had to guess where my love of falling asleep to background noise, whether it be music, talk radio or television it comes from listening to Blazer games on the radio (1190 KEX) and waking up with some talk show blabbing on and on. It could be the fact that our household did have the television on more often than not and when I was really young I imagine falling asleep with the TV in the background was common and who doesn't love being carried to bed? Or staying up late with visiting cousins, watching late night TV before Grandma and Grandpa had cable. And then later skate videos over and over. Later in my teen years I would listen to the Art Bell show --  Coast to Coast AM -- a show that now seems to be lost to the "alt right" and new crop of the willingly ignorant. A distinct peculiarity of the modern age -- the ability to numb, or quiet our minds with background noise. Am I simply drowning out my own thoughts with incessant noise? Ehh -- whatever. A question for another day.

Regardless, this has turned into me having a 12 year run of using The Simpsons as background noise, a comforting chorus of voices and music; a presence that has been there for 3/4 of my life. First there was JTV.TV which was a casting website, where in the early and mid 00's people would stream NBA games. This is what drew me to web streaming channels. Eventually it would turn into what is now Twitch, where you can watch other people play video games -- I struggle to believe that this is actually a thing, but I digress. From that website's demise came another dude who has been streaming TV shows, including The Simpsons for approaching 10 years. If I'm studying I will often have this channel in the background. If I go to bed before my wife I often fall asleep with The Simpsons in the background. This particular channel has a season 1-13 option and one for season 13 and up. Overwhelmingly I watch the earlier season option.

All of the episodes for the first 13 seasons are known to me in a way that is overwhelmingly familiar and intimate. It will be difficult, but for each season, 1 -13 I will pick my favorite episode and break it down for y'all. Just what you've been waiting for -- a sitcom review for early 90's television! 

SEASON 1 --  12/17/89 - 5/13/90

Season 1 debuted December 17th, 1989. It was a Sunday. I think my family at this point was going to church on Sunday morning and evening and were in the habit of watching America's Funniest Videos with Bob Saget.  The first episode had the family adopting a dog that Homer bets on at the track, Santa's Little Helper. But the show that really gets me from that season is focused on Lisa. Moaning Lisa

While I was a year or two away from finding skateboarding and really having that world open up to me, but nevertheless I was at that age where the need for finding things outside of the familiar family experience really starts to grow. Normal growing up things, and knowing Lisa had the same kind of experiences was comforting, in a way that I'm sure I could not have articulated back then. 

SEASON 2 --  10/11/90 - 7/11/91

Danny Devito delivers, as always, in this episode. He plays a successful CEO of an automobile company, until, of course he learns he is a Simpson. Homer designs the car, it is a design disaster and puts Unky Herb out of business. I can remember my parents discussing the fact that this was loosely based on the Edsel, a Ford Company failure of a car, and it's design led to its failure. Interesting.

All in all, the second offering has a lot of solid episodes, where characters are really developed and without this foundation, the years upon years of static characters would not be possible, or at least, less successful and longevity would be compromised. And while many things have been compromised as the series has worn on and on, longevity is what they can hang their hat on, I guess. 

SEASON 3 --  9/19/91 - 8/27/92

Spinal tap. Failure-to-Launch dude in the attic. Classic rock concert riot. 

SEASON 4 --  8/24/92 - 5/13/93

As someone who had at least 4 church related activities per week growing up, I related to this episoded from the get go.

My all time favorite episode? Well, yeah. I think so. Phil Hartman as the Monorail salesman is just perfect. Leonard Nimoy. 

And how could we not include this gem:

And while this is pushing the envelope of undisciplined and indulgent episode inclusions, I don't really care and furthermore, here is more. I love the theory that in the fourth season, as we see in So It's come To This (A Simpsons Clip Show) that Homer is in a coma. The fourth season is where the writing becomes more whimsical and takes more liberties with twisting reality. I posit that this has allowed the series to survive and in some ways, the subtle style developed here directly lead to Family Guy and the cut scene architecture they use, all the time. Anyway, the theory posits that the rest of the series, since 1993 has been going on in Homer's head as he remains in a coma. Explanations for why celebrity appearances include family members, workers or a TV left on talks about celebrities and he incorporates these names into his dreams. I like it. I like thinking this is what happened.

The 4th season also gives the episode that has us fall in love with Ralph Wiggins, the "choo-choo-choose" me episode.

SEASON 5 --  9/30/93 - 5/19/93

The Last Temptation of Homer. Mindy and Homer. Need I say any more?

Another worthy moment from this season is the song the family sings with, and for Apu as he was fired from the Kwikee Mart, and in a heartbreaking admission at the end of the song, we learn that Apu does indeed need the Kwikee Mart. 

SEASON 6 --  9/4/94 - 5/21/95

I chose this one because it shows Ned in a light other than mockery -- and it its not as if they don't show Ned positively on a regular basis, I just could identify with the idea of the self sacrifice. It was discussed regularly growing up.

SEASON 7 --  9/17/95 - 5/19/96

King Size Homer has a mumu wearing Homer as he has decided to gain weight to get disability so he can work from home. The first time I heard the "any key" joke and where he orders a "Tab" by hitting the tab key. Classic.

SEASON 8 --  10/27/96 - 5/18/97

Homer's Enemy Frank Grimes.  A tragic and ultimately supremely understandable and knowable character. Frank Grimes is you, and me. It is what we would be tempted to do if thrust into the world of Springfield, depending on Homer and his role as Safety Supervisor at the nuclear power plant.

But also El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestra Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer) cannot be ignored. Marge trying to distract Homer from the Cook Off and then Homer smelling it and when he starts stomping up and down complaining that he is missing the Cook Off is just classic and really, in a way we feel sorry for him. Of course we want him to go to the Cook Off. Marge gets him to agree to not drink, and until he eats the insanity pepper he doesn't, of course, that is just when Marge shows up. And Homer ends up going on what, in my opinion, is some of the best television ever made with his psychedelic dealings with the coyote.

SEASON 9 --  9/21/97 - 5/17/98

Reality Bites. The final Phil Hartman performance. Celebrity deaths are not something I dwell on by any means, but the tragedy that is Hartman's murder by his wife and a uniquely loved career just makes all of his Simpsons visits that much more valuable and cherished. Homer driving Snake's car is always appreciated -- just a pure joy -- a man and his muscle car. Love it.

While I'm thinking about it here is a Phil Hartman dump. News Radio, a oft overlooked gem from the late nineties when the turn of century and the feverish worrying about the Y2K computer disaster really became a dull roar drowning out all other things. Everything but Prince's Party Like It's 1999, everyone heard that song over and over.

SEASON 10 --  8/23/98 - 5/16/99

Make Room For Lisa

Another Lisa-and-Homer-centric episode and  the deprivation chamber scene with Homer makes the episode, even with solid side stories. Homer wrecking the Bill of Rights with chocolate and then having the private cell phone company running the place just speaks to the fact that this era of writers really were so clever in their comments on society. 

SEASON 11 --  9/26/99 - 5/21/2000

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses

Barney goes dry. Perfect scene where Homer takes a six-pack for Barney as he is piloting a helicopter trying to rescue Bart and Lisa. 

SEASON 12 --  11/1/2000 - 5/20/2001

HOMR. Homer had a crayon in his brain, stuffed up there when he was a kid. They remove it and he is suddenly intellectually competent; able to relate to Lisa for the first time in the show on her level, less her making effort to understand him and his ways, as we've seen in earlier episodes with Homer and Lisa. Going through these I actually am surprised I have as many Homer-and-Lisa-centric episodes. Huh.

SEASON 13 --  11/6/2001 - 5/22/2002

The Sweetest Apu. Homer sees Apu with the squishee girl in the walk-in freezer. Scandalous!

I can hear it now -- the march of pitchfork bearing Simpson-philes who are asking me where are the Treee House of Horror episodes? For many of the above seasons I could probably make an argument for the Tree House episode being my favorite. I kind of hold them in a different category, in fact. I thought I'd just go through some of my favorite Tree House segments. These episodes are meant to be the Halloween episode, often airing a week or so off, depending on what is going on with the World Series, or whatever. There are three, separate segments of weird and whimsical, often set in alternate realities, or what have you.

No. No Sideshow Bob episodes. I don't like them. The one and only one that is tolerable is when he marries one of the sisters, and we really learn about the love of MacGyver.

But I do love Grandpa Simpson. How about a Grandpa collection? Okay!

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Germy's Top Ten Lists of Yay and Nay

Ten things I'm into this week:
  1. Bottomless mimosas for weekend brunch
  2. Blazers win streak now at a dozen and seeing them live at Staples tomorrow, going for 13 in a row
  3. Patience and understanding from attendings -- thank goodness for continuity clinic!
  4. Falling asleep and waking up to rainfall. This cool weather will not last
  5. Going to sleep without setting alarm
  6. Having the end of intern year in sight (72% done)
  7. Shaping the career to come; what should I do when I grow up (again)?
  8. Working in a field that demands competence and constant progression
  9. Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult; for some reason this became my theme song to get through the toughest rotation of residency
  10. Intermittent fasting
Ten things I'm not into this week:
  1. iPhone X face recognition bull!$&@ -- becoming more annoying with time
  2. Eating too much at the mexican brunch buffet while enjoying bottomless mimosas
  3. Ankle sprains, fractured thumbs and fractured rib cartilages. Golden State Worriers. 
  4. Doing my taxes
  5. Working in a field that demands competence and constant progression
  6. Spotify's "random" setting that doesn't really seem random
  7. Construction at the hospital
  8. LA drivers in the rain
  9. Late flips, late shuvs -- late anything! Catch that shit and stomp it proudly!
  10. Politics at all levels of bureaucracy and the pithy egos that drive the nightmare

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The Sirens Of The 8-bit Universe Momentarily Resurrected But All For Naught

Super Metroid theme song ring-tone on loud setting


Oh hi there, man, it has been a long time!

Good to hear your voice too.

No kidding! Okay I got just the thing!

Check this out --

No! Just listen for a minute!

So this is a quantity type of deal, you just gotta keep mashing on that 'fire' button, and only in a select places, or for that matter, with a certain level of expertise does a real aiming type of opportunity exist. It goes like this -- you have two levels of having to kill the alien ships that fly into the screen in a loopdy-doo type pattern, with various flight directions throughout the levels, with many repeated over and over. It should be a given that the speed of the ships increases throughout the game. The number of missiles that are fired at you also increases. Anyway, the ships fly into the screen and then form a holding pattern at the top of the screen, kind of fluttering in place and they all take turns, in groups, of circling down to attack you.

Oh, what are you? Haha - oh yeah, of course. You are a ship, a red and white ship with a big cannon right in the middle. You and only move to the right and the left and it's important to know that there is a maximum firing frequency, no matter how fast you mash. Yeah -- I guess it is kinda like space invaders -- but dude, so much better though.

Just the fighter you're playin and two other lives -- yeah. Uh huh, yup, you do get to earn extra fighters as you go. I think the first one is at forty thousand -- but wait. We'll get there. Hold on for a sec!

Like I was saying, you have two levels in a row, BUT then you have the bonus level, which to succeed and get anywhere close to a good score you have to be perfect. I mean, forty ships fly down into the screen in patterns and in order to get a ten thousand point bonus you have to get every. Single. One.

Exactly. Yup. Haha.

Right, so yeah, every, what is called the "challenging stage" levels you have to know the pattern of the ships. Oh, no -- nope, they don't shoot missiles, that is the nice thing. And to clarify, they fly out of the screen and just leave, so if you don't shoot them all they fly away.

Okay. there is a way to ensure positioning, and to make sure you get the ships all shot. This is part of the thing I haven't told you yet. The ships that fly down aren't all the same, most are taken out with one shot but there are bigger ones and these line up at the top, the furthest away from you and your cannon. These you have to shoot two times to kill --

What? Oh, yeah, they change colors, after getting hit once. That's how you know it has already been hit -- exactly, you're exactly right.

Listen, hold on. These ships that you have to hit two times have a special thing that they do -- they fly down, and position themselves about midway, or maybe just a little lower than that and stop, and then they extend out a tractor beam that comes down and then, if you fly into it grabs you, spins you up and then you're in the grasp of the alien ship. It flies back up, and then continues to play the game.

Hey, hey -- you gotta listen to this next part or you'll screw it up for sure. Usually most of the other ships are killed by now and then the alien goes back up to the top of the screen, and you'll be totes ready to shoot it BUT you have to wait! Dude, you totally gotta wait. You only get the ship back if you shoot the alien when it's flying around.

Yes! That is what I said, exactly -- it has to be flying, yes. Oh and if you don't have any extra lives to play when you let your ship get captured, well, yup -- you guessed it game over!

It gets even better though, now obviously it is better to have two fighters next too each other, but you're gonna get blown up, see, there isn't enough real estate on the screen to avoid all the bombs and all the ships flying at you. For the end of the first second level you let your ship get captured -- and, by the way, if you've already died once, you may as well start over.

Well yeah it can be frustrating. Uh huh.

I mean, look, whatever, however you need to approach this, fine. But just know that you're wasting your mash finger bu not just starting fresh if you've died in the first two levels, okay?

I'm still getting to the key in all this, alright? So if you wait until the last ship left to kill is the one with your captured spaceship, and then, and don't forget this part, wait until it is flying around to shoot the alien ship you will be automatically lined up in the perfect spot on the screen for the 'challenging stage' level and it is the easiest way to get the bonus score for shooting all forty of the ships.

Yes, yeah, that's right, it is tough to keep that second ship throughout the game. In fact, I've taken different strategies in how I go about the "to second ship or solo ship" argument. Granted, it is not feasible in long term success to always get a second ship before every 'challenging stage' as I outlined above. I mean, yeah, if you don't get blown up then it is perfect. Ah -- I almost forgot. If you are in a place where you have two ships through playing the levels and the 'challenging stage' comes up, try and line up your left-sided ship with the right side of the 'G' of 'challenging stage' in the word challenge -- this will get you where you need to be so you can blow up the ships right away and they come fast, so if you're not lined up, you don't get the bonus.

Uh huh. Oh, wait, huh?

Oh, okay...

Well, that is different. Man, I swore you said "Galaga contest." Chicken galaba sounds delicious though. Well, I don't know about that though. Good luck anyway.

Okay. Talk to you soon. Goodbye.

Yeah, I'll tell her. Goodbye.


Sunday, February 11, 2018

2007 still seems like a "future year"

Report: 4600019

Status: Pending Final Rejection/Appeal
Re-Animation Probability: 07%
Date: 10.20.2107

Center for Ancestral Population Proliferation

Dear Mr. Pamer Sr. III,

Regarding your recent application (CAPP form #4090) for ancestral re-animation we have determined that your target for re-animation is not eligible for resurrection. As you may know, the gains made in genetic manipulation and re-animation have put considerable stress on the resources allocated for humanoid consumption/utilization.

Legislation passed in 2107 now requires CAPP to perform in-depth background checks on all targets submitted for potential re-animation. Included below is a copy of the report and addendum showing criteria which has rendered your target for re-animation ineligible. If you wish to appeal said decision or if you feel that this decision was made in error you may do so by submitting CAPP form #4099 and remit payment of $15,000.

*note – as of 7.4-2107 United States Currency is no longer acceptable, all payments must be made in the form of Digital Earth BankNote Tender (DEBT) per Legislation 2107.420.386

Re-Animation Target: Jeremiah Lawrence Pamer
Life-Span: 1978 – 2069
Genetic Virilation: 98%
Genetic Defect Propensity: 1.2%
Genetic material worthy of propagation: 0.8%
Cause of death: Type IX Gastroenteritis. Second pandemic, GM broccoli outbreak in 2069
Body of origination elimination method: Cremation
Genetic info maintenance: MicroGene Systems: Portland, OR PO Box 754390
Deleteriousness Aspect Ration: 463

Main issues of deleteriousness:
Jeremiah Lawrence Pamer (JLP) demonstrated an ability during his living years to process ideas and elements of the abstract and the concrete quite well. However, during his education at Metropolitan State College of Denver he demonstrated a high rate of interest in ideas and ideologies which have since been laid to rest. Many of these were manifest in a writing class that was completed in May of 2007. This writing class, according to additional resources utilized for this report was a source of satisfaction and pleasure relative to his other areas of pursuit. Perhaps if his ideas, unorthodox as they would seem today, were communicated in his writings with some amount of skill his rejection for Re-Animation would not have been as swiftly decided. Near the end of the class JLP assembled a portfolio that provided critical insight which aided in the rejection of the Re-Animation application.

In a portfolio assembled during the latter part of the class, six pieces of writing were assembled. In combing through these pieces, a stark contrast was observed that may have been a precursor to the issues and subsequent self-described disillusionment with his eventual medical practice. The piece that was placed at the beginning of the portfolio sets the tone, he entitled it “Death Doth Bring” which is a pitiful attempt to use ancient poetical meter to convey some type of ephemeral hope. As is a thread through many of his writings, JLP links the hopeless face of 20th century industrial malaise with the eventual redemption of flesh, apparently through death. In the closing line of the sonnet JLP writes “All grey matter transformed in portal.” This grey matter that is mentioned does give a nod to the continuing hang-over that was the western industrial revolution that eventually spread throughout the world causing pollution of all sorts to coat the green world a gun metal grey. Obviously, the specific reference is to the human brain. Even if the literary attempt at meaningful, optimistic reinforcement would have proven successful the manner in which the prose is executed is horrible. 

The second piece of writing leaves the existential pandering to the last Bush Monarchy and appropriately explores the dearth of drug abuse, which JLP knew of from others in his life struggling with the same issues.

The third piece, which he entitled “The Smoke Made Them Fall” JLP gets back to the ideological backwaters that clogged his mind. In a secondary thematic tool that also spreads its wings over JLP's works, dreams often play a role in his character's unfolding. Not only is this a cheap and easy device, but his shameless attempts at fresh utilization of the revelation via nocturnal dream runs aground. This particular story is steeped in historical sentimentality, which was widespread during the time of the writing. The empathy displayed for indigenous peoples and “natural” states of nature provide ample reason to keep JLP in his current Non-Animated state.

In perhaps the most disturbing of all pieces included in his portfolio tells of a young man who builds a business in his junior high school by selling condoms to the other children. The name of it is “Seeds of an empire.” Condoms were popular during his lifetime as a prophylactic, the majority of them composed of latex that fit around the male organ of copulation to “catch and contain” the baby batter emitted from the end of the organ. Attempting to show the earnest manner in which young males of the time strove to show their “manliness” and strength, he became a popular figure among the other students. At the time during the piece was written it had been a controversial issue a to whether sex was to be discussed in public schools, at the fringe of the discussion was to allow the distribution of condoms among students. For JLP to make light of such obviously huge controversies in casual writing demonstrates a lack of respect for society as a whole. JLP has been denied Re-Animation privilege even though this agency knows full well how his living family would like to see him Re-Animated. JLP's acknowledgment of his love for writing contrasted with the horrible body of work (exemplified and embodied by his portfolio from said English class) he left behind leaves us on solid ground for our rejection: A strong disparity concerning goals and passion will make not a suitable modern citizen.


Rousha Obama IV
Head of the Center for Ancestral Population Proliferation

Please Keep Your Seatbelts Fastened While The Fasten Seatbelt Light Is On 
by Jeremiah Pamer 

I gave the character in ghetto caricature on the corner slight but direct eye contact and a head nod. I then took the next right and rolled almost to the end of the block and pulled over. Even though this side street saw a moderate amount of traffic I parked on the wrong side of the street so Logan wouldn’t be between me and the dealer. Only a few moments passed before I could see, in my rear-view mirror, the young man with his blue uniform and grey do-rag hastily shuffling down the block. He had his left hand holding up his jeans and his other hand stuffed deep inside his parka. “Better not be another bag of crumbled soap, or bits of almond this time” said the cantankerously talkative Crack Pipe that was hiding in the dark under my seat, but knew full well what was transpiring in the daylight.

“Yeah, yeah” I grumbled back, hoping Logan wouldn’t hear. These situations never failed to increase the heart rate and spur the adrenal gland into spurting and burning like a sabotaged Iraqi oil well: half from fear and half from anticipation.

“Whatcha need, Cuz?” asked the gang member who was now within arm’s reach of my Nissan pickup truck’s window.

“Two forty rocks, and I need to see them first.” I answered him as I sweatily fingered the wad of four twenty dollar bills which had turned my fingertips a smudgy brown by this time. He didn’t bother to ask me if I was a cop. I had learned that bringing my wife’s three year old boy Logan on these trips always put the drug dealers in an odd state of relaxation. Most of them figured that a sting operation wouldn’t dare put a little boy in the potential and probable crossfire of a bust. I considered Logan to be my little insurance policy. The hoods on this particular corner all recognized my truck anyway. 

With a sly and only slightly accommodating smile on his face he cracked opened his parka so only I could see the little plastic baggies in his hand that had been twisted and knotted at the top. Both of us knew that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the real rock and the fakes until I got a few miles away and bit off the plastic knot of the baggie. I handed him the cash. With a glance he checked to make sure they were all twenties and, with one swift pivot on his laceless Timberlands dropped the two baggies in my truck and headed back to his sales floor that was Killingsworth Avenue. “C’mon, let’s get the hell out of here. Whatcha wait’n for? Hurry up!” insisted the Crack Pipe. Silently, I complied with the command and sped off towards the interstate. When I had merged into the fast lane I looked over at Logan, who had been immersed in his Thomas the Train book.

 “Daddy, are we ever going to get Burger King like you promised, I’m HUNGRY... and I want to get my toy!” said Logan as he slammed his picture book closed. Shit, I thought to myself. I had meant to stop at the burger joint before jumping on I-5. Maybe I could placate his hunger and my need for his distraction with a stop at the 7-11 on the way to the viewing lot at the airport. The gravel clearing had become my favorite place to get high. The Portland Airport was cuddled up next to the mammoth sized Columbia River and between the two was a busy road which had the viewing area off of it. Usually the only other people there were high school couples making out in their parents mini van. And, having the runway about one hundred yards in the distance it was great to watch the airplanes land and take-off while spinning on my crack-top. Most importantly, the police took no notice of cars parked here.

“Logan, how about we getcha a slurpee and whatever kinda toy you want from 7-11, huh? How does that sound.” It didn’t really matter what the boy said: I was going to get high, and soon.

“Don’t forget the new brillo pad. You've left me quite gunky, as of late.” Crack Pipe reminded me.

“Daaaaddddyyyy! You promised Burger King!!” Logan was getting upset. He had been through this before and he knew, even at the tender age of three what going to the airport meant. His survival instincts had always impressed me. It was true, and he knew it, that if he didn’t get any food before our “trip to see the airplanes” he would be famished by the time my crack was smoked up.

“Look, we’ll get ya a corndog and whatever else you want. Just quit your whining, OK.” We arrived at 7-11. I grabbed a small black coffee for myself and a package of Mambas and some Now & Laters for Logan. These candies were good for him and me, they took a long time to chew and there were many wrappers to get through. In the toy isle of the convenience store Logan had found a package with an un-assembled wooden airplane inside, the kind that cost ninety nine cents. Once I had had the same kind of airplane when I was a child; I was surprised they still made them. We left with a 72-ounce purple flavored slurpee, 2 packages of candy and 2 corndogs for Logan. The Crack Pipe was complaining and I could hear it coming from the truck, even as I was in the store. I too was anxious to get high and probably couldn’t drink my coffee, but I bought it anyway along with a package of brillo pads.

“OK, Logan let's put that airplane together for ya.” I could feel my impatience creeping up my neck and it was in concert with the revving of the jet engines in the distance, racing to fever pitch. Logan knew that when we were here he was to play with his toys and such in the bed of the pickup, and I was not to be disturbed in the cab of the truck. I got his plane put together, and not without a pang on nostalgia for my own childhood. In my mind, I ventured into my oft closed off memory lane and looked up 1986. It was the year the Space Shuttle blew to pieces with the teacher Christa McAuliffe aboard. Mrs. Storm had entered the competition to be the teacher to go into space. When the day came for the launching of the Challenger she had brought a television set into the classroom so we could all see it live. Once the spaceship had made it into orbit there was to be a live television conference with Christa discussing some of the science experiments that were to be conducted. Thirty seven seconds into the flight the extraterrestrial craft exploded, killing everyone aboard. Trails of smoke and vapor followed the different pieces of the booster rocket and shuttle as they began their descent back to Earth. In my mind’s eye I can still see and hear Mrs. Storm let out a cry like she had been slugged in her gut, and then she ran out of the room. I felt so sorry for her. A few of the other boys had begun to laugh…I fought with them without knowing why. I became one of her favorite students after that, hence the ninety nine cent wooden airplane at the end of the school year. She was the only one who ever told me I could be a pilot, if I wanted to.

“Logan, go get it!” I yelled as I let the airplane loose towards the other end of the parking lot. He jumped out from the bed of the truck and went running after the plane. It was doing loops in the air and flying erratically. It was impressive. With Logan preoccupied for now I jumped back into the truck and locked both doors. The Crack Pipe had been silent since we arrived at the airport viewing parking lot. Such quiet times spent with the Crack Pipe were confined to these anticipatory moments…the moment inspired a type of demeanor of purpose that necessitated silence. I grabbed my brillo pad and tore off a piece and stuffed it into the end of the glass tube. I groped for the baggies and couldn’t find them. With panic and I had my head between my legs trying to see where the dope went. There! They had both rolled under the accelerator. Here was the moment of truth; did that bastard rip me off?

“You lucky piece of shit!” I shouted at the Crack Pipe as I found the rocks to be genuine Cocaine and baking soda in a one to one ratio, one taste of the talcum like treat told me. Using my long thumb nail I broke off a piece and carefully placed it into the end of the oxidized tube with the brillo pad. With one flick of my bic I was choking down the thick sweet smoke.

Whoomp. Whoomp. Whoomp. Whoomp. Best. Part.

After the first inhale what I referred to as the “helicopters” came thundering through my brain. I thought of it like this because not only was there the sound of a convoy of transport helicopters but also that the blades of the ‘copters were causing whirlwinds and such incredible turbulence in my brain that I couldn’t find any anxiety or worry or…anything. That blessed feeling of nothing. I hit the pipe ‘til this miniature rock was gone.

While I was reaching for the baggie, I inadvertently looked in the side view mirror. I could see Logan running away from the truck and after his looping toy airplane; he was leaping in the air, trying to grab the plane every time it swooped close to the ground. He was running towards the road with his eyes fixed on his brand new toy. I watched, as numbly as I watched horror movie atrocities, as Logan was smashed and knocked out of my line of sight by a speeding semi-truck.

Quickly, I grabbed my baggie and loaded the rest of the rock. The end of the glass pipe was glowing red and had already raised blisters on my thumb and index fingers. The brillo pad looked like how I imagined the very heart of hell to be: fiery orange and covered with the gooey, tarry residue of ecstasy gone by.

The urgency of the truck driver’s pounding on my driver side window increased with each fist’s collision with the safety glass. He and his perseverance was no hindrance while I loaded the pipe with the rest of the chalky white precious poison. I put the drug to the flame and deeply inhaled…again…and again ‘til it was all gone. My coffee was chilly at this point, nevertheless I gave a silent toast to the Crack Pipe and swigged the whole twelve ounces.

I turned the key and popped the clutch; lurching forward ramming the cyclone fence with the cryptic “post 9-11” no trespassing warnings on my way out of the parking lot. “Finally, ya’ got us out of there. How much cash ya’ got left, huh? At least twenty…right?”

“Yeah, I got forty dollars left.” I told the Crack Pipe as we headed towards Killingsworth Avenue. After I exited the interstate I spied the incandescent yellow and red of the Burger King sign. I pulled into the drive through.

 “Order when ready.” A female with a think Spanish accent prompted me. I saw the featured toy was a plastic airplane piloted by some kind of monkey. “Whenever your ready I can take your order.” The words 'happy meal' were stuck in my throat.

 The smoke made them fall 
by Jeremiah Pamer 

“Okay class. Class! Quiet!”

Mrs. McDaniel's fifth grade class was a loud happy bunch and this morning, the morning of the year's first field trip of the year a bit more effort was needed to quiet the 10 year olds. With a pointed look, Mrs. McDaniels appealed for help from the few parents who had volunteered to help chaperon the children. Eventually, the din was subdued to a dull salvo.

“Alright, kids. Let's get in a single file line, and - hey, kids! C'mon, Listen up. I need ya' to have your permission slips ready to hand to me as you head out the door and to the bus." With minimal fanfare, and to Mrs. McDaniel's astonishment the motley crew lurched out of the East Portland elementary school parking lot on schedule and headed towards the Columbia River Gorge, just less than an hour away – in yellow school bus time.

Nahman wished he had the courage to sit in the back of the be one of the cool boys and to flirt with the cute girls. Because of his stutter and slight lisp, most of his life was played out in his head. He had unwittingly chosen the path of least resistance, much like an autumn leaf caught in the torrent of early winter downpours. And, just like the leaf's destiny that is decomposition, Nahman felt resigned to a similar fate. Although, all exterior signs pointed towards a pathetic passiveness, his inner drama was filled with unparalleled heroism and gallantry. His tormentors would be without speech and caught defenseless to his scathing, poignant, golden words. His fledgling good looks and olive skin would finally have the reinforcements that fearless speech could afford.

He settled in on the bench behind Mrs. McDaniel’s, who had easily become, so far his favorite teacher. He had lucked out and gotten all female teachers since kindergarten, solidifying their role at the top in his ever shifting makeshift matriarchal hierarchy in young Nahman's life. Making sure he hadn't forgot his bag lunch that he packed himself the night prior, Nahman felt around in his small Jansport backpack; finding it he grabbed his Capri Sun drink and punched a hole in the top with the angled straw. As he jammed the straw into the glistening, silver foil of the eight ounce pouch of tropical punch he caught himself imagining he was holding a squirmy, wriggly incandescent salmon. Fish. Don't even like fish...never had fish, wait – fish sticks? Fish – Sticks. A dim, dingy light went on, and struggled to keep it's position above Nahman's head. Every Friday at Lynch Park Elementary, soggy deep fried fish sticks were served, with chunky, tasty tartar sauce. Never before had he imagined the grease laden three dimensional rectangles had once been alive, swimming and covered with the scintillating scales of a fish fish.

The image aroused and stirred something deep within Nahman. His forehead rested on the rain splattered window and he thought back to the dream he had woken up from that morning. He had been suffering from nightmares, but this one, although traumatic did not cause him to wake up screaming. When his step mom had come in to wake him up for school he had laid, not moving, reflecting on his dream that had left him drifting down the river he was now staring at...

“Naukana, you know you're still too little to go fishing with your older brothers...” “But Mama-I can hold the net all by myself, Chetke showed me how yesterday!” 

“Sweet little Naukana, you're time will come. Right now you can help mama mend your papa's moccasins.”

“OoooKaaaay.” followed by a prepubescent heavy sigh. Naukana did love to help his mama and he did love to spend time with her. Naukana was the favorite, and the youngest of the small family five: mama, papa and three boys. But, he was reaching the age where he was nearly as tall as his short mama, and his young spirit was telling him that he would, and should be preparing to enter manhood soon. The emerging man-spirit had been growing inside the boy and had reached maturity while the flesh had stayed with his undeveloped mind; hooked on his mother's nursing breast. Naukana did not understand all this, all he knew was that he wished to be on the fishing planks that were built jutting straight out from the cliff, where it felt as if you were riding the thunderous whitewater as an osprey rides the swirling wind – and armed with a net which was as powerful in pulling in the salmon as the long, bloodthirsty talons the osprey brought to the river. He knew it was dangerous. Nevertheless. 

“Hey, hey Naukana, start building the fire up, because we got some huge ones today!”

 Naukana's older brothers were yelling, as they broke through the protective line of timber, soaking wet skin glistening brown and green. Flashing from light of the gorge's washed out walls in the distance and fighting for space on the boys developed and sinewy shoulders and chest with the intimate dark green mosses and ever-present evergreens. The littlest of the brother's did know that, before the fire was to be built up to cooking strength, the fish were to be cleaned, which, meant a trip down to the small stream that flanked the longhouse on it's way to join the mighty Celilo Falls, a part of the river that the white man called “The Columbia.” 

He grabbed the knives and cheesecloth bags, and shoulder to shoulder with his brothers headed to the stream. 

“Chetke, how old were you when mama let you fish down on the ramparts?” 

“Huh, I was younger than you, but daddy needed the help, and believe me, if mama ever caught me down by the falls by myself, she would have killed me. Naukana, you should enjoy your time with mama, you're learning how to be such a good wife!” 

Hot. Red coals, behind eyes - red, coals. FURY. 

“Aaaahhhh...Owww!” “Naukana, are you alright...? Here, give me that hand...” 

Naukana had gotten so angry that it had squeezed the seeing part of his brain off and in his mind filled with adolescent, embarrassed rage he ran the knife through the salmon skin and nicking his wrist. It was hard to tell whose blood was whose - the salmon's or Naukana, but Naukana didn't wait around to find out. He slumped over into the creek. His brothers pulled him out, surprised that the cold, glacial runoff in the creek had failed to immediately revive their little brother. The next morning, Naukana was still in a sour mood. To prove to his brothers that he was not a man was more than he could take, but his spirit was calling to him stronger than ever. The desire to never bring up fishing to his mother, or anyone else was substantial. He felt like he could stay by the longhouse, safe by the fire and the relatively small stream fetching water to boil and helping his mom... But his spirit was beckoning, calling out to the flesh, to step into the next phase of life. His welcome in childhood had been overstayed. 

Papa had come back the night before from a tribal hunt in the valley and had brought back a canoe full of meat for the families to split. Moose was a rare treat, and to have it fresh broiled over a fire was a special occasion...during which Naukana had played sick and laid in bed in the long house while the rest of the families sang, danced and ate better than they had in a year outside, under the bright moonlight. 

Lying alone and well steeped in self pity he had made up his mind to go fishing the next morning. By himself. Mama and Papa were sleeping later, because of the lively libations the night prior. Naukana, now in the bright morning was having second thoughts about making his way down the steep path to the falls. The feeling of need for eternal, maternal protection was high. And, besides he knew what kind of trouble he was asking for. Naukana, feeling led by his spirit grabbed the net and was headed through the trees when he heard strange men speaking a strange tongue. He had heard people speak like this before, once: it was the language of white men! 

This group was large and coming fast, Naukana turned and jumped to the side of the trail, just as the men were coming up around the bend in the path. 

“... the mermaid says, "If you have sex with me 15 times, I'll make everything alright!" To which the boy replies, "Fifteen times?! You'll end up like the cow did after I finish with you!" 

“Ha ha, Frank.” Said the second man to come by, rolling his eyes. ”That must've been the worst joke you've told me this whole trip...” 

The 2 men in front, carrying large rifles, and apparently the leaders of the group had passed and the remaining men, a dozen or so were carrying 2 massive and unfamiliar canoes and were breathing so hard there was no mysterious talking coming from their mouths. Men, family, ma-pa sleeping...brothers, where are they!? Naukana stood frozen in the brush for a moment, the coals back, burning bright in his mind, but this time not from anger but from fear. 

Up the dirt path he went. Before he broke out of the thick trees he stopped, he could hear his papa's voice, as strained as he had ever heard it. He could still see nothing from his vantage point, so he climbed the tree that grew large behind the longhouse. When he was high enough so that he could see over the longhouse he could see his father in an argument with one of the white men who spoke so loudly and strangely. His mother was not to be seen, nor was his brothers. The other men were sitting atop the overturned canoes and broiling and eating the remainder of the moose meat that had been celebrated the night before. The man who was yelling in his fearful tongue, which neither his father, nor anyone in the family understood, struck his papa in the mouth with the butt of his rifle, knocking the most powerful man in Naukana's life to the ground. Naukana had seen a rifle a few times before in his life, and had heard that it was to be respected. He thought that it made a poor weapon if it was made to strike your enemy on the chin. His fishing spear would have made a better weapon... 

MOM! I Hear you. Where...? Naukana crawled further out onto the branch of ancient gargantuan that what would eventually be named the David Douglas Fir Tree, to where he could see into the hole in the longhouse roof. He saw his mother underneath the other white man, she had no clothes on and he was squirming and moving all around, grunting like a wild boar. He could see tears running down his mother's face that was frozen in a mask of terror. 

Now, Naukana was truly rooted to where he lay on the limb of the tree. He could feel the coals getting hotter...and hotter. Down, get down. Move-Chetke, where are you? He scuttled down the trunk of the tree, still undetected. The white men are nearly 30 brothers are no where. Naukana ran back down the path towards the reverberant river. Breaking through the woods into the rock cliff area approaching the fishing platform he spotted his brothers, down stream with the tribal men who spent the prior evening with Naukana's family after their triumphant return from the hunting trip. And...they had rifles! The dug-out canoe was full of men and even as they paddled furiously they were engaging the strong current and it took three of Naukana's short life spans to reach the landing point. 

“CHETKE, CHETKE! Hurry, hurry mama and papa are in trouble!” 

It was only a few hundred yards away, but the path from the canoe landing was steep and only one person at a time could make their way up the trail. 

“Little brother, are you OK? We saw the men coming as we were fishing this morning and we went for help. Where's mama, where's papa?” 

The brother's asked, but not in unison. Even though the rescue party had just ran up a steep rocky hill, Naukana was more out of breath...he couldn't breath enough to cool the embers in his brain. 

“The men are eating our meat and hurting mama and papa! And, they have rifles, we need to save them!” Naukana kept saying over and over as they headed towards the canopied footpath towards their home. Stealthily they made their way. The older men, the ones with the rifles and lifelong friends of papa were in the front, and when they had gotten near the clearing, just to the point where they could see the men around the fire they stopped. 

“Naukana, how many men did you see with rifles? “ “I only saw two of them, and one of them was in the longhouse laying on top of mama-” Before Naukana could finish what he was saying the men sprang into action and ran, screaming towards the entrance to the longhouse. Naukana stayed back, even as his brother's shirts made of deer hide brushed him. Loud cracks rang out; people began to scream. He didn't recognize any voice as his parent's. Naukana climbed the tree in time to see his blood family and tribal family fall to the ground, one by one to join the others, already fallen. The smoke coming from rifles apparently was pushing them backwards and then forcing them still. 

RUN. RUN. RUN. Naukana's tenderfoot spirit of manhood was screaming. Naukana climbed down the tree, and ran silently and swiftly towards the canoe landing below the falls. He jumped in, paddled out and into the current and floated down the river... 

 “Class, gather around. We are standing on the Bonneville Damn, which was built in 1937. Look to my left. Hey – Johnny, listen up back there.”

Most of the children were restless after the bus ride. “Okay, kids, if you look at this large lake to our left, and then look over to our right and see the difference in the height of the water. I want us all to put on our thinking caps and imagine what would happen if this dam were no longer here. Alright, does anyone have any ideas what the gorge would look like without this dam?”

Enamored with the massive spillway structure that was bellowing millions of gallons per minute with thunderous effect, the majority of the kids could care less what this panorama was like before the need for electricity dammed the river. One child who had been wide eyed and, who before the bus had even unloaded had been wondering what this dam was doing here, in the river of his dream. The canyon walls, at the top, near the rim looked the same as they had in his dream...even some of the same trees.

“Mrs. McDaniels, Mrs. McDaniels!”

“Yes, Nahman, what do you think it would look like?” She was surprised that one of the few students, who were not in love with sound of his own voice, had raised his hand with something to say.

“I know what is under the water. My family is down there...”

by Jeremiah Pamer 

Max-Planck University, Potsdam Germany 

As Marvin slammed the cantankerous old book closed the flyboy dust bunnies took aim and locked on to his nostrils. The shallow, scratchy wheezing reminded him his asthma was much better suited to the computer lab than this gloomy archive in the basement of the University's library. The puffs he drew from his inhaler were subtle reminders that the sum of human knowledge was not yet preserved in digital immortality via the internet. Marvin would have traded a lifetime of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome in exchange for what he was seeking. But there were so many more faded math equations to search out on so many more yellowed fragile scratch books.

Despite feeling discouraged, Marvin was still ironclad in his determination. He was willing to search the ends of the earth to once again be in the presence of it's creator. The Max-Planck Institute houses the largest and most dynamic corpus of notes pr oduced by the 20th century’s brightest physicists. Following decades of obscurity the so called “Lost Einstein notebooks” were found in this very archive – and there were also works of Werner Heisenberg, the father of quantum theory and mechanics left to be mined.

Indeed, as the advances in space travel, lasers, and computers could attest, the theories and conjectures worked out by Einstein and Heisenberg so long ago were so much more than mathematical exploration. So much of this work was dismissed either as abstract academics or scientific folly. Now, just over a century after the introduction of the General Theory of Relativity Marvin knew he could complete the bridge that was Unified Field Theory (UFT) and traverse the deep and mysterious chasm that separated him from the divine. He had already done it once before...and now his life was dedicated to the reverse engineering of that discovery.

Three Years Ago 
MIT, Boston USA 

 Dr. Wolfgang’s contorted mouth is the particle accelerator and the speeding saliva are the electrons, thought Marvin as the ‘particles’ smashed into the lens of his glasses and backsplash of a face. Marvin often found himself in such a world: the world in which he was the sole inhabitant. This was fine with him. The fact was that for Marvin, Wolf’s anger was worlds away. The part of his mind which remained in the present took into account that here at MIT any emotion expressed towards a graduate student such as himself was a sign of affection as there was no time for the unworthy student. This latest tirade was directed at Marvin’s insolent insistence on pursuing a career in the field of cosmology. According to Dr. Wolfgang, cosmology is “nothing but a bunch of impostors propagating guesswork for science.”

But Marvin, having spent a life steeped in specific disciplines of many varieties thought there was a better way. He contemplated the vast pool of knowledge accumulated over the centuries and marveled at the compartmentalization of it all. Marvin wanted to swim in all pools and make connections where only dead ends exist now. Cosmology, as Marvin viewed it was the immediate answer. And Marvin understood why his mentor had such strong reactions to such aspirations, but such opposition could hardly be likened to the threat of papal execution.

Marvin was a product of the age of technology and believed in salvation via synthesis. He imbued to search for answers in the megacosm that would solve the issues in the microcosm. Marvin was absolutely but lovingly obsessed. What had brought Dr. Wolfgang to his exacerbated state was the discussion of Marvin’s work on the unified field theory. This was a big item that the greatest minds in the world had been ruminating over for decades, with very limited success. The only progress was in the manner that one dead end was one less possibility for the realization of a working UFT. So, to have a mere graduate student with the superciliousness to even approach the issue of UFT upright and forward facing was an insult to Wolf and his life’s work, especially coming from an aspiring cosmologist!

However, unlike the many of Marvin’s fellow students he was not merely satisfied with acceptance and a subsequent degree from MIT. He was using MIT for a means to an end; the end of mysteries of existence. In his cold and dimly lit flat Marvin continued working out the equations which, to him promised the indemnification of a Universe…a galaxy…a world…a race…a person. The damper was placed on the daylight and the starlight from celestial formations long since lost turned his pencil shavings nocturnal, night-light blue. His mind began to chew furiously through all the numbers and equations that normally were painfully tedious. As this sped up, everything else began to slow down.

The discrepancy between the speed of his pencil and the velocity of his neural firings were enormous. Symmetries and incongruities leaped out of the second dimension and into the third. Using the faded blue lines on the college ruled paper as springboards the algorithmic and trigonometric figures were streaming past his skull: a number of them smashing into it. Some ran in fear of their own inadequacy while others simply strolled around the apartment barking orders at him. Thoughtful manifestations took the pencil from Marvin and added and erased and changed where they wished. Differential equations boxed his ears on both sides of his head. When Marvin turned to defend himself the calculatic formula danced into dissolution that was the darkness in the far reaches of his flat. The paper, littered with pencil marks, shavings and eraser debris had become, and was increasingly so, a relief map of the Eastern seaboard of the United States. Transfixed by this, he was no longer bothered by the mathematical beating still being endured. The map's frame of reference was zooming out with such acceleration that within a minute he was watching the spindly arm of the Milky Way that the earth inhabited fade into the background of the Universe. This was no picture, or flat image...this was a window.

Marvin was enthralled, captivated, immersed... he was lost in what he was seeing. Millions of light years away from terra-firma the guiding hand of the aperture moved in on another small blue planet. Closer. Larger. Through the atmosphere. This continued until Marvin felt he was on the world below. It still smelled like #2 graphite and paper-mate eraser boogers. Marvin marveled to himself that it was if he was boarding a modern day Dawn Treader as he plunged through the tear in the textile goods of the continuum of time and space. Landing on both feet he found himself in a mountainous region of this strange world. Run. Faster. Climbing on and over each peak and into the next valley he began to accelerate, each ascent was effortless and painless. He was being pulled, pushed and strung along all at the same time. The pinnacle of each and every successive mountain was colder and the atmosphere thinner. But he was moving faster than ever. Orgasmic ecstasy shook him to the core and continued to come in exponential growth wave functions; all the while the highest peak loomed in the distance.

The mountain in the distance began to take form of a humongous mesa as he came nearer. It was a plateau that flattened beyond the clouds hundreds of times higher than the apex of the most preposterously frightening altitude of the highest mountain thus far. Marvin raced toward the base of the cliff which formed the face of the mesa. He was not running or flying. But he was moving fast…and as he began to climb the vertical wall he realized just how dauntingly self-aware he had become.

The titillation of euphoria was curiously and ominously transforming into a vague and faceless fear. The rate of ascent was rapid enough that if in oceanic environs his body would have exploded from the powerful nitrogen buildup: his soul was undergoing a parallel experience with amorphous fear. For the first time in his life his existence as a living sentient being coupled with the subtle yet undefined haunting of inadequacy was palpable. The innards of his enduring nightmares were clawing for light. Marvin ruptured the Euclidean plain of the plateau with the weight of the entire past, present and future human race propelling him forward and ever inward. He had unknowingly procured himself as an ambassador from his embodiment of his and everyone’s personage to God.

He had found the narrow path and had raced along it, having no idea if it had taken his whole life or if in one mesmerizing moment had journeyed to the very foot of the Creator of all that is known and unknown. “Hello, Marvin” said God. “Wow” thought Marvin. Marvin was now standing on the very edge of the cliff he had just traversed looking out on the world and cosmos beyond. From this vantage point he could see the beginning of the world; he could make out the beginning of civilization as if it were happening right then. When his gaze of wonderment paused he could begin to see each individual. He knew the name of each person he saw and when he beheld one single person he began to discern the pain that abided in each person he examined. He felt as if he was reading the story of everyone that had ever lived: he could relive the bitterness of the first breath drawn of each individual…and every single moment until the wretchedness of creeping death finally persevered.

Over and over and again he re-lived each person’s life. Multitudinous lives, lived and died. A voice brought him back. “Marvin”, “Marvin.” Marvin started to turn around. The trunk of his body swiveled on its hips and the right foot left it’s mooring on the edge of the cliff so he could face the voice. Then: a heat coupled with a blinding light struck him feeling like liquid iron coming out the back-end of a jet engine. He was shot off the cliff. His velocity was of such proportions that all the mountain peaks he had so recently conquered were now falling into the sea as he rushed towards that static, binary and linear function that was his previous existence. Marvin awoke in tremendous physical pain lying on his back on the floor of his flat. The sun was high in the sky. He attempted to raise himself but found that he was somehow adhered to the floor. By moving laterally, wiggling against the bonds that restrained him he was able to create leeway. As he increased his undulations he felt what seemed to be a spider webbing of fractures across his face. It felt as if he was one big dried scab; and indeed, he was. His face had melted and become stuck to the floor. Eventually he attempted to open his eyes but rather than being merely closed they were actually covered by shallow cicatrices.

He could distinguish light and dark as if he was looking through a painted window. When Marvin eventually was able to shimmy free of his skin prison he called his mother to come over. When arrived she nearly faltered in her circulatory and respiratory functions. He was unrecognizable from the neck up. She started to cry but was unable to bring herself to embrace her only son, hideous as he was. Considering the intensity of the burns that were sustained, death should have been inevitable. But the manner and speed in which the cauterization had occurred warded off the possibility of infection or loss of blood. Even the obligatory throbbing heat that accompanies even the most minor of singes was absent. His face simply had been melted and then frozen in liquid malleability.

“Mom, do you see my notes anywhere? There should be a bunch of notebook papers on my desk with math stuff all over them.”

“Ughh…Marv, your desk is nothing but ashes. The floor is burned so badly, I’m surprised there isn’t a hole to the floor below” whispered his mom between choking on sobs.

Three months later 
Good Samaritan Rehabilitation Center 

Marvin was in the middle of his facial exercises that were intended; according to the doctors, to give him his normal facial muscle capability, when the tears began to flow from his unseeing eyes. This was not the first time that he broke down during a painful rehab exercise, but it was the first time that he felt bereft of all hope. That very morning he had his first visit from the administration at MIT and learned that he was being dismissed from his program.

The Fire Marshal’s investigation of the incident concluded that the cause was a cigarette left unattended. Of all the vices Marvin partook of, smoking was not involved (Internet porn and coffee however…) Considering when Marvin’s face was melted off and a good portion of his living room turned to ash he was training to run a marathon only a few people thought it odd that he would be smoking cigarettes, but this was easily explained away by noting the stress from his repeated conflicts with his academic mentor, Dr. Wolfgang.

When Marvin was in good enough shape to coherently communicate Wolf visited to ask “what really happened.” Wolf knew enough to dismiss the claim that Marvin was smoking; in fact, he was convinced that something extremely peculiar and poignant had occurred. Marvin told him everything. When Wolf had heard the explanation he calmly rose to his feet and said he understood and then left. Wolf then spearheaded the effort to have Marvin kicked out of school.

After that semester concluded Wolf went on sabbatical and subsequent isolation…with a pad of yellow paper and a pencil.

Seeds of an Empire 
by Jeremiah Pamer 

“Ok, the Trojans are two dollars apiece or two for three dollars.”

I told the group of boys that surrounded me as we left the cafeteria. We were headed out to the playground, where I felt comfortable conducting business.

“Do you have any LifeStyles left, those were cheaper!” An acquaintance asked, which these days I had many of: acquaintances and condoms.

“No, listen up everybody! No LifeStyles left, only the Trojans!” and on to the distant field we went. 

My parents loved me. They also loved each other. Both sets of my grandparents were still alive and very much a part of my life. Loving me and each other; hopefully not in that order. No abuse was to be found in my family, no divorce or alcoholism: nothing but good old fashioned positive reinforcement and the reassurance of the unconditional love that abounded in my nuclear and orbital family. Months ago I had stolen money from my parents to go to the corner store to buy candy. While there I saw some condoms and, despite the heteromorphic look from the elderly shopkeep I bought a package of three.

The next day I took them to school, not to sell but to hang them on my tail feathers and strut like the pompous plastic peacock I was. However, when Carlos asked to buy them from me…bang, a business was born.

Sixth grade going on seventh is a difficult time for kids. The sudden infusion of hormones that force strange shapes to form and weird follicles to sprout greasy stalks of hair are the same that can cloud any kids mind. My mind was that of a good kid drunk on the new and exciting shapes taking form in front of my eyes along with the intoxicating smell of mine and those around me’s greasy, odoriferous and incubating newfound hair and bump bonanza.

 Carlos told me he had no daddy, but “his mom’s boyfriend” bought for him a gold San Francisco 49er’s starter jacket. I envied him so, as my dad refused to spend the $90 on such “frivolous” items. He also was my first and best customer. He had now been buying a condom a day for weeks. He would also pay two dollars for each one. That was a good profit margin, my little undeveloped brain told me. Looking back, Carlos embodied a caricature of a type I did not yet know. Carlos was imposing in both stature and form. Towering over the rest of us kids at over six feet and creating shadows with his beard he was the one sixth grader able to exploit the contraceptive in the manner it was created for.

Along with the other kids who would occasionally buy the rubbers I think the little instructional diagrams on the inside of the box were exciting enough. It was to be a few years before actual consummation (for the rest of us) was to take place. This had been going on for a number of months. More kids were buying from me; the empire was forming. Really, what better way for an aspiring young man to express his ‘manliness’ than to buy condoms in an environment that showcased his appetite for such things. Each day became a contest for who would buy the most condoms from me, the undisputed condom kingpin. I was truly raking in the dough. So much so that there were days that I would buy a six pack of Dr. Pepper or a bag of candy and take it to school. These days were “customer appreciation events.” I was beginning to see myself as the good-natured mafia boss building an infrastructure feed by the appetite of competitive, image conscious boys. Any good organization has a working hierarchy, and this one was no different. I had enlisted Joey Grandier as a trained and licensed distributor. Trained not in the actual uses of a condom but in the benefits of pushing such subtly suggestive wares.

As spring slowly migrated towards summer, the vacation was palpable. Whether it was the restlessness or the break fever that precipitated a plan such as the one Joey and I did, I don’t recall. Filling condoms with soap and sneak attacking those that we felt deserved it did seem like a truly good idea. So, we set to work. The bathrooms were stocked with gritty icky pinkish soap. Harold Omentariam Intermediate had once been a high school in the district’s younger days. That meant that there were plenty of semi-isolated little boy’s rooms ripe for the uninterrupted soap pilfering in the sprawling school.

We cleaned out the first restroom’s supply of soap, and then the second and the third. With only five or six little soap bombs filled up and tied we were forced to head towards bathrooms that experienced a higher flow of traffic: uh-oh. Before the first prophylactic in our newest restroom was filled we had our inaugural visitor. His name, friend or foe, and what grade he was in I remember not. The perplexed look upon his mug I do vividly recall. The succinct change from boyish curiosity to pre-teen puzzlement to adult abhorrence was an evolution of comprehension manifest on his twisted face. All this happened before anyone said anything.

“Uhhh….what are you guys doing in here? I-I-I-can’t believe you two are doing that.”

The boy said to us, which, to me didn’t really make sense. Wasn’t it obvious what we were doing? Whatever that boy had come into the bathroom to take care of went unattended because he turned heel and promptly left. Joey and I filled up the last of our condoms and stashed them in the school yard for after school and returned to class. It wasn’t long before both Joey and I were summoned to the Principal’s office. As we waited outside Mr. Hopper’s den we both had a sense of security. After all we had only stashed the soap filled condoms; we really had done nothing wrong….yet. Joey was called in first, leaving me waiting all by myself. Not even ten minutes later the door opened up and a teary-eyed and torn-up Joey was escorted out of the office and I was ushered in.

I still was feeling good about the situation, thinking that maybe Joey had cracked under minor pressure. I was the big cheese, the boss, the brains behind the whole body fluid barrier empire. As I sat down in front of Mr. Hopper’s desk he had a grave look upon his face. Awkwardness has a pungent smell and his office reeked of it. I was not prepared for what was to follow. Surprised as Capone must have been when charged with tax evasion was I when accused of masturbation. A two man (boy) circle jerk was the charge. My understanding of what male masturbation consisted of was foggy at best. I understood “jerking off” in the same sense that someone who has never been to the ocean understands what it is like to spend a day on the beach.

Sadly and unfortunately my principal began to talk about the inappropriateness of in-institutional masturbation as if I knew all about it. I may have been an immature little boy but my pride was all grown up and unwilling to interrupt Mr. Hoppes and tell him that I really didn’t know if I was guilty of such incriminating behavior. So went the discourse for the next ten minutes; crippled by my pride I refused to defend myself. Mr. Hopper dismissed me with the promise of a phone call to my parents, and from that would be the decision of the extent of my suspension. Ugh… My mother had plans that evening, it may have been one of her writing workshop nights; it didn’t matter where she was only that it left my dad as the recipient of the petrifying phone call.

In the pre-caller ID era of modern communication that shrill ring of the home phone could be a real bitch when having to bear the brunt of false alarms. The call came as the creeping dusk declared mutiny on the light of day, Mr. Hopper obviously wasn’t looking forward to this either. Not knowing what to expect from a father who had, at times, been at odds with his temper, I waited. As the phone call dragged on I didn’t know whether it would be better to have a father come after me with an incensed hi-powered beam of “kill-kill-kill” shooting out of his eyeballs and aimed right at me or a transparent disappointment from the sinking feeling of a son’s innocence made filthy and then trapped in a soap filled condom. The duration of the conversation between my father and Mr. Hoppes allowed me for the first time to actually reflect and comprehend the guilt that I had buried so deeply, the guilt came not from selling condoms but from the thievery from my parents. As a family we all were provided for, but the luxuries that I so often was envious of were out of our financial reach. Surely the cash my father had stashed away on top of the dresser was of a noble and generous design…unlike mine. My father had been downstairs when the phone call had come. I knew this because I had been eavesdropping by the top of the staircase every time the phone rang. So, I waited upstairs using the boob tube to turn my brain off (unsuccessfully) via a basketball game. My father came up the stairs and he sat down on the couch that was angled perpendicular to my perch and just stared at the TV. I tried to focus on my peripheral vision, to detect any tell-tale facial expression. I didn’t want to move my head because we were watching a basketball game and I didn’t want to interrupt the intense hardwood action.

“So…can you believe how the Blazers are playing tonight…dad?”


Hard to believe 2007 is as long ago as it is. When reading stuff I wrote in 2007, such as the end of semester portfolio I put together for a writing class, I can believe it. Maybe not as cringe worthy as some of the stuff I've written before but still, parts are very hard to read.

Follow by Email